Kill Bill: Hans von Hozel Version
by Miral
Summary: This is True Blood, S4, Ep 5 inspired. Also Momma2Leos inspired. Momma2Leos asked me to kill TB!Bill before the douchebag could make it across the cemetery to cockblock TB!ES.
1. Crystal

**Hans von Hozel: Crystal**

**Disclaimers: Bill Compton and Crystal belong to Charlaine Harris. Alan Ball deserves kudos (maybe?) for the version of the characters represented herein. **

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><p>Bill Vampire Queen making travels to block the cock.<p>

"No Eric cock on the telepath!" she cries.

Outside, she makes a running. "Vamp speed run or hover?" she wonder. The she danubes acoss the Sweet Home cemetery.

Crystal Mama Kitty on tree sitting.

"Roar" says MamaKitty. She bits tree. "Roar" said MamaKitty.

The tree branch falls, stabs Queen Bill.

"Yeek!" screams Queen Bill. "Tree branch stabby stabby me!"

The Queen is dead.

Long live MamaKitty.

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><p><strong>AN: Is it me or has Mama Kitty disappeared from TB? Maybe...<strong>


	2. Tara

**Hans von Hozel: Tara**

**Disclaimers: Bill Compton and Tara belong to Charlaine Harris. Alan Ball deserves kudos (maybe?) for the version of the characters represented herein.**

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><p>Tara was making a kickboxing across the woods.<p>

"Ohnobitch, noyoudidn't." Tara cried.

Angry face, Tara made a mad. His friend Skokie was sexing with a bad vampire with a big wang.

"I hates wang!" he cried.

Kick, kick, kick. He danubes through the cemetry.

All of a sudden, vampire-douchebag!

Bill, Queen of the Bon Temps and Aballsasskissya, danbues from the trees.

Tara crazy eye. "What the hell are you doing here?" he scream.

"Ah vampire. This cemetry is next to mah house."

"Ohnobitch, noyoudidn't." Tara cried

Tara grabby grabby a stake gun out of his penis free holster.

Bang bang. He shoots Queen Bill.

Queen Bill, sad face, crying and falls down.

"Yeek!" she screeamed. "Ah'm being killing bah a Crazy Eyed Lesbian Kickboxer."

The Queen is dead. Long live the Lesbian ?

Tara turn gun on himself and shotts himself dead.

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><p><strong>AN: WTF is wrong with me? My apologies to Hans as I suck at this.<strong>


	3. Tommy

**Hans von Hozel: Tommy**

**Disclaimers: Bill Compton belongs to Charlaine Harris. Tommy belongs to Alan Ball.**

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><p>Tommy, an alligator, was making a creeping on the bayou.<p>

"Wah, wah! Mama! Wah!" Tommy was crying for his dead momy that he kilt.

All of a sudden, Vampire-Douchebag!

The Vampire Queen, Bill hovering through teh woods. She was going fast to cockblock sexing at the house next door.

"No sexing the telepath! No sexing the telepath with a big wang!" she cries.

Tommy watche Bill's big white head.

"Marshmallow!" Tommy cries. Happy, he laugh, loving to eate mashmallow.

The Queen make a scary face, red blood tears. Then she sees Tommy.

Chompy chompy bitey bitey. Tommy bitey down on teh Queens' giant white head.

"Yeek!" she cries. "Ah'm being eaten by a warm-blooded alligator!"

Tommy bites down on the vampire douchebag's flacid neck flesh. He gases and pukes.

"No marshmallow!"

Tommy crying he goes into water. He sees for real marshmallows.

"Yummy! I loves marshmallows!"

Tommy eats the marshmallows and laughing.

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><p><strong>AN: Again I ask: WTF is wrong with me? I toyed with kiling Tommy but I couldn't. OMG, since he offed his disgusting parents, he may just be my favorite character on True Blood.<strong>


	4. Mrs Bellefleur

**Hans von Hozel: Mrs. Bellefleur**

**Disclaimers: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Alan Ball deserves kudos (maybe?) for the version of the characters represented herein. **

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><p>Bill Compton was hissying in the woods.<p>

"Oh no!" she cried. "Ah must not let the Eric cock near the telepath!"

Suddenly, an angry old lady apeared!

"Oh no! An angry old lady! What do you want, angry old lady?"

"You dead-dead, you Grandbaby Fucker!"

"It was a mistake!" said Bill, emo, crying blood tears. "Ah didn't know Ah was fucking my grandbaby!"

"You sicko vampire! I'll teach you manners! Down on your knees!"

"Please, Mrs. Bellefleur! Ah beseach you. Ah'm a goodly vampire. Ah'm the Queen."

Then the matriarche jumped on top of the vampire and stabby stabby with a stake.

"Mrs. Bellefleur, Ah must insist you not do..."

Mrs. Bellefleur laughed. "Benson!" she cried.

All of a sudden, Benson/Robert Guillaume!

"Let me get that for you..."

Once the vampire Grandbaby Fucker was dead-dead, Benson/Robert Guillaume and Mrs. Bellefleur danubed to Belle Rive, where they danced.

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><p><strong>AN: Again I ask: WTF is wrong with me? Many thanks to Momma2Leos for coining the term "Grandbaby Fucker." LMFAO.<strong>


	5. Mikey the Demon Baby

**Hans von Hozel: Mikey the Demon Baby**

**Disclaimers: Bill Compton belongs to Charlaine Harris. Mikey belongs to Alan Ball.**

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><p>Queen Bill, a vampire, made a sashaying through the graveyard.<p>

"My cock on the telepath!" she cried, angsty. "Not the Viking cock! The Queen's cock!"

Suddenly, Demon Baby!

"Hello, baby. Cute baby" she made a cooing.

Demon Baby evil-eyed the Queen, making a scary.

"Yeek!" shouted the Queen.

Demon Baby jumpt up and throwd matches.

"Cute baby no play with matches!" shouted she. "No play with matches!"

Baby makes a crying. There made a shoting and a leggoing.

Suddenly, Fire!

And the vampire melted, because you no can have vampire and fire!

The Queen is dead. Long live the Demon...?

The Demon Baby cried "mama" and crawled into fire, killing hisself dead.

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><p><strong>AN: Hmm. Yep, I'm still doing this. Thanks to madamegreatness, Joie Cullen, livesimple, bebeschtroumph, Yson, sassyvampmama, Momma2Leos, girlyj27, moxiemo, Duckbutt, fffbone, erin1705, slcurwin, krystal214, and LolaWhite. Yep, I'm outing you guys, LMFAO! girlyj27 and moxiemo voted for Demon Baby.<strong>


	6. Sam

**Hans von Hozel: Sam**

**Disclaimers: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Interpretations belong to one and only Alan Ball.**

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><p>Queen Bill, a vampire, was made angry over a cocking that mades happening nearby.<p>

"Cock from Swedens no on the telepath!" she cry. "Civel War cock on the telepath!"

Suddenly, Puppy!

"Hello, puppy. Cute puppy" she made a cooing.

"Woof, woof," say the puppy, making a wagging.

All of a sudden, the puppy jump on the vampire! Puppy attack!

"Ah don't know you, puppy," say the Queen. "Oh no! You no puppy!"

All of a sudden, Crazy Horny Bartender! Danudes!

"I give you poking!" say Sam laughing.

"No! I no want poking from Sam!" She screamed but she was too weak to fight the bartender!

"I make you take!" screams Sam, pulling branch from tree.

The bartender take his pleasures, pokey pokey the Queen.

Then Sam do stabby stabby and the Queen do flakey flakey.

The Queen is dead. Long live the Bartender...?

Then the bartender hanged himself dead.

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><p><strong>AN: Yeah, I decided to kill Sam. Now, SVM Sam I wouldn't kill. But TB!Sam? He's gotta go. It's actually pretty interesting forcing the split decision of who's gotta go. Well, let's see who kills the Queen next.<strong>


	7. Jason

**Hans von Hozel: Jason**

**Disclaimers: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Interpretations belong to the one and only Alan Ball.**

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><p>"I will sit on the porch swing" says Jason.<p>

"You can make a sexing," say Crystal MamaKitty.

But Jason's penis was tired of sexing!

"No Sexing! Stay away MamKitty!" shouted Jason.

Suddenly, Werepanther!

Jason angry say "no sexing with werepanthers!"

"Werepanther babies!" cryes MamaKitty.

"No! No making werepanther babies" Jason made a shouting.

Jason grabby grabby porch rail to fend MamaKitty from making a sex.

All of a sudden, Vampire!

"Ah am here to block the Eric cock" Queen Bill hissies.

"GET AWAY GRANDBABY FUCKER!" screamed Jason.

MamaKitty bited the vampire while Jason made a stabby stabby.

"Incest ain't right! Nasty Grandbaby Fucker!"

"Ah no ah am dying dying..." the Queen made a cryaing of blood tears...

and was dead!

Long live Jason... and MamaKitty!

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><p><strong>AN: Yep, MamaKitty dodged another bullet. Honestly I find Crystal way less annoying than say Tara or Marnie. <strong>

**Next up, Special Guest Celebrity Bill Killers!**


	8. Morrissey and Mercury

**Hans von Hozel: Morrissey and Mercury**

**Disclaimers: Bill Compton belongs to Charlaine Harris. Morrissey and Mercury belong to themselves. **

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><p>Morrissey was making a skipping through the woods, making a singing.<p>

_"Call me morbid, call me pale..."_

All of a sudden, Douchebag!

"Where you get boyband hair? You no in boyband!" yelled Morrissey.

"Ah'm Queen!" said the Douchebag.

"No!" shouted Freddie Mercury. "I am Queen!"

"No! Ah'm Queen!" Douchebag cried, throwing lemons.

"Ah'm a Vampire Queen!" she made a shouting.

"We don't care," say Morrissey and Mercury. "We don't like you. You no Britons."

"Wait!" Douchebag screamed. "Ah..."

Freddie the Mercury unsheathd his broadsword and swinged it, making a hitting on the Douchebag.

Her head felled off and she was dead.

Morrissey and Freddie Mercury danubed to Belle Rive, where they made a dancing.

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><p><strong>AN: Gosh, don't even ask. Doesn't it just make you happy? Song quoted is "Half a Person" by the Smiths.<strong>


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